Jumping the shark… a New Year’s message

It’s that time of year.

Congratulations if you are reading this… the algorithm will be trying its hardest to bury this the moment it was posted, so enjoy the closest thing WC has to DLC.

Last year I suggested that maybe you could leave the resort, broaden your horizons, mix it up a bit. Did you? I doubt many of you did; Seiko, Tudor, Longines and Omega still dominate the board. Less so Christopher Ward, maybe they’ve started to price themselves out of the “cool kid” crowd. Traska, Lorier, and Monta seem to be the only microbrands people want to talk about. Nevermind, I guess if the resort is catered you don’t need to leave. Personally, I started the year with 1940s vintage, as per, and as the year progressed I went further and further into divers, ending up with a Spinnaker Piccard that is waiting for me under the Christmas tree. I also spent a lot of time with mods and Chinese-made trifles… I even bought a Luminox and a smart watch. I made a conceited effort to remain open minded, even when it killed me to do so. I have even tired to provide a free fact-checking service, but you can lead a horse to water…

I have talked at length about apathy, and contrivance, and I warned of their potential risk in terms of watch content, and direction. I think none of you are taking me seriously.

The term “jumping the shark” is used to describe the point at which something is said to have reached its peak, and begun a downhill slide to mediocrity or oblivion. It was first uttered in 1985 by radio personality Jon Hein in response to a 1977 episode of the American show Happy Days, in which the character of Fonzie jumps over a live shark while on water-skis. The episode, and stunt, was created as a way to showcase Winkler's real-life waterskiing skills, not that we all really needed to know.

We might have jumped the shark.

This month alone we have had multiple SOTCs. These are the lowest form of content; an horological dick-measuring contest that is both exclusive and chest-thumping whilst seemingly trying to seem fun and irreverent. It really doesn’t mean anything. Most of the watches are boring as hell. You don’t need to see mine either, it’s not important.

Ironically, very little in terms of top 3s, 5s, 10s… I should be thankful for not seeing multiple posts claiming the CW The Twelve and the Pelagos FXD as the watches of the year. Then again, no one really seems to want to push the envelope either… I am yet to see Chrono24s top watches of the year, but it’s probably a Rolex, a Seamaster, and a Cartier. I do laugh at certain information cycles on here singing the praises of something, buying the thing, waiting for the thing, the initial unboxing, and then a week for two later the realisation the thing is flawed beyond salvation and the regret. Ha ha ha. Formulaic tosh. Your anguish sustains me. You know who you are, your content is vapid and you do not stand out from others in the sea of equally vapid content. May a metaphorical shark eat you, perhaps you might become more interesting.

Recommend me a grail… watches are volume pieces, albeit the volume reduces at various economic brackets, but 1 of 50 is still 1 of 50. You are not special. Grails are not healthy - the simple joy of pounding the pavement, off the beaten track, and seeing what turns up is clearly a pleasure that many of you will never really get to experience. Please buy what you like, but most of what you will buy is “safe”. “Safe” is fine, but it is not “special”. Your Omega or Tudor grail is not really holy - it is your watch crush, and you are allowed to just admit that you want the watch equivalent of blond hair, blue eyes, nice teeth, and available. There is no shame in being an horological basic b*tch; a lot of us would be proud if you just admit it.

The Spaghetti Scametti train needs to derail. Why the hell there are so many posts regarding this “brand” is mind-boggling. Ironically buying drop-shipped watches is not big and not clever. Other than the potentially offensive name, there is no real statement to make. The market is such that if people wish to buy a cheap watch of dubious quality, they can. Drop-shipping is a legitimate business practice; that’s not to say it doesn’t deal with the bottom of the barrel in terms of quality, and cr*p marketing and hype is just that, but economic freedom allows you to purchase what you want within your means. Complaining about it, then selling it with your tongue firmly placed within your cheek, is hypocritical. That high horse you pretend to ride is tethered to the pavement outside the supermarket.

The lack of due diligence remains… you can easily find out how much companies turn over and the number of units they sell. It’s ranked, clearly, and annual reports and statements are available by any number of search engines. Refrain from making sh*t up please… no one is the next someone. This issue goes right to the f*cking top, and needs to be nipped in the bud right now. No one is going to the wall (yet). If a brand is within the top 20 of Swiss brands in terms of turnover and units sold, it’s hardly irrelevant. You can think what you want, but alternative truths and feelings are not substitutes for facts. Subjective ladders of quality are just that, subjective - be prepared to lose your shirt.

Reviews need an overhaul. Reviewers need to understand bias. A perfect watch does not have flaws… you are allowed to love a flawed watch. I have no idea what a 4* Timex and a 4* Tudor have in common, other than the clear fact that the reviewers like the watch, and seemingly do not want to upset the brand, as if they read WC. Your face is not hanging behind the counter at your local AD if you gave that Omega 3* for wearability.

What else? I don’t know, posts without substance, AI generated nonsense, gatekeeping, asking what to buy (spoiler alert - whatever you want), size issues, b*llsh*t terminology (“true” microbrands - nope, try again), and watches as investments. The latter has been concisely debunked and explained by numerous people that really should pride of place on the platform - but the algorithm is so broken that it is all lost in the churn. This is the major problem… WC was supposed to be unlike other platforms, but it really is just like the rest of them. What is depressing is the monthly appearance of those who sign up, post something interesting, only to watch it fall off the face of the Earth, attempt a handful more times, and then realise that no one cares because they would rather chat sh*t and only post pictures. The content this platform genuinely craves has been present, in the background, but is not afforded the respect and traffic it deserves. Why bother? Promises have been made and broken. We are the content, it is such a shame that the majority of it comes from the arid well.

What would I wish for you all this coming year? Crash into the shark… shake it up a bit. Do better. Be better.

You want this platform to stand out, create content that actually stands out. How, who, and why are severely lacking, we have enough what and when. Before you post some hot take, maybe use a search engine with some compound phrases to gauge the temperature of the room. Maybe just use a search engine before posting, seriously. If you want advice, maybe do some f*ck*ng homework first, because there is nothing more draining than answering the same questions over and over again, or just finding the answer in 30 seconds because Google is a thing. You get what you put in, which at the moment is the square root of f*ck all. The irony that in the hours after this thread will be posted there will almost certainly be threads lamenting the end of AFT, people clamouring to know where they can find more content similar, and yet more SOTCs is testament to how low the common denominator really is. I also know how much abuse a small number of you will throw my way, but I know one look at your profiles, and your posts, will reveal exactly the sort of lowbrow tosh I am highlighting. Happy New Year, and hopefully you can make your own watch decisions next year.

Whilst we are here: my watches of the year released in 2023 (if you give a f*ck)?

The modern update to the Chopard L.U.C 1860 was interesting. Not exactly in my price range, but I think it is beautiful. Hardly anyone talked about this on here.

Vero Smokey Bear – any watch that says “only you can prevent forest fires” is a winner in my book. I prefer the ‘64 model, but both are fun, and my love for Vero is unwavering and justified.

The Timex GGS2 is a lovely watch that’s clearly trying to show that Timex are willing to try something different, I am genuinely surprised by how much I admire it.

Avoirdupois Force Majeure, but God-knows how I could afford one of those; go integrated or go home eh? Sorry everyone, this is one of the most impressive integrated watches I’ve ever seen, and that includes you VC 222.

The Arken Alterum reminds me of the Tag Heuer Kirium, and I love my Kirium. More jobbyness.

What can I add? Not much. I am sure there are those of you who will counter with watches that are interesting, and that is fine. I did almost buy a Chronomat GMT four weeks ago, so it is not as if I am adverse to hype and marketing, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Humbug.

Have a good one, I’ll probably see some of you on the other side.