Raised by wolves in the grounds of a Himalayan Kung-Fu monastery. Twenty-year career in the worlds of espionage and thumb-modelling. Olympic gold medals in Volcano Parachute-Skiing and Downhill Duffel-Coat Shuffling (100 metres). Nobel Prize in literature for my book, ‘Sounds Of Cabbage’. My inner child sometimes borrows my ‘phone and returns it with peculiar photographs of watches on the camera roll. I will post the least alarming of these here.